She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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