ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
