and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
