now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
