i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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