Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize