I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
