Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
