Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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