Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
