Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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