Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
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I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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