I wish they made helmets for livers.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
