I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
