I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i think i just lost a toe
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
