I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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