I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
