Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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