who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
