Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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