i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
