I'm gonna have a badass scar
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
