Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
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