you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She needs sedatives and a leash
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
