My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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