I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
