I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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