2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i want to swaddle you in tequila
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
