I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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