I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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