Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
