I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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