y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
