There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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