i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
These tits shall not be calmed
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
