I'm gonna have a badass scar
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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