I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
