dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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