Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
