I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
