So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
