I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.