addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
