genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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