My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
