At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
