shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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