the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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