you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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