shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
