I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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