The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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