I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
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When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
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I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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