it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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