At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
