I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
