Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
