There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
