I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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