I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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