Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
